(NSFW) “I’m Getting You a Dick Pic for Your 25th Birthday,”

@LazaROCKis proclaims to me at 2:00 am, Saturday night after I’m booty-texted by a random acquaintance. “This guy wants your clam bad.”

The evening started with a friendly game of storyboard pictionary. It quickly escalated once the word rape was thrown onto the board. “A friendly scuba diver decides to go clamming,” I say.
“How do you clam?” @LazaROCKis asks.
Me: I think you dig around in the sand.
D: Oh… I thought you jammed out with your clam out.
Me: Perhaps that’s why it was so easy for that shark to rape her with her air tube.

So when we receive a text from Joe random at 1:30 am, we have a comeback already on the table.

“Wassup, im jammin’ out wit my clam out. Was good?”

(Really? Who even talks like this?)

What’s worse, Joe Blow can’t wait to respond… although he’s a little slow in figuring out exactly what a “clam” is.

When another late night booty-text convo begins, I start wondering if I have a sign over my head saying “Get It Here.” We almost lead Guy No. 2 into having the same, exact, convo. Sadly, Guy No. 2 had to get all emotionally serious. At which point, I received a cold shower and ha to hand my phone over to D permanently for the evening. There was no way I was taking/talking anything remotely serious at that point.

Needless to say Danielle succeeded in her birthday present efforts. D led this guy on for three hours, finally coercing the money shot at 3:05 am. She even worked in a dirty money shot, by sending a pic of her elbow cleavage as the evening drew to a close.

After all of that, I must give you this advice:
NEVER take dirty pictures of yourself to anyone who is *NOT* explicitly in a relationship with you. Even then, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Remember, not everyone is as nice as I am. If this was another person’s blog… this might be you:

Oh Chris Brown. I don’t feel bad for you at all.

Now every time I see “Joe”, all I’m gonna see is balls.

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